A Renaissance Man in the "Venice" of Italy. Wait...that WOULD be Venice.

(Try to get your Cadillac Escalade through here)


Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go. - Truman Capote

Venice, or Venezia in Italiano, is one of the most unique and fascinating cities on the planet. An outdoor museum, almost perfectly preserved for your enjoyment. If you have only a few days in Italy don’t miss this opportunity (Rome, Florence and Sienna being your other top options). However, if I hear one more American say, “Eww, I didn’t like Venice. It’s dirty and it smelled!”, I will slap them for the spoiled insolent whiners they are. The city in its current form is over 1300 YEARS OLD and is completely floating (actually sinking more than floating these days) on salt water in the form of over 600 small separate islands. Downtown Pittsburg is dirty and smells but the difference is nobody wants to visit there. What should they do, bulldoze it down, build a plastic Epcot “Venice” and put a Starbucks and Wal-Mart in the center so you can buy an authentic “Venti Latte” and plastic blowup gondolas made in China?

The singular item that makes Venice so remarkable besides the canals, architecture of the palazzi and aggressiveness of the pigeons is the fact that cars are not allowed in the center of Venice. Actually, it would be impossible as I mentioned before the city is made of many small islands only connected by footbridges.

Try this experiment next time you’re there:

Go out and have a nice dinner at a good Osteria (a restaurant specializing in seafood). Speak a little Italian to the guy behind the desk at your hotel and maybe he’ll recommend a good Osteria that the locals actually go to. Have some Linguini Frutti di Mare (pasta with various seafood) and a nice bottle of Pinot Grigio from the Aldo Adige or Veneto region. After dinner, head to the only (and I mean only) place for nightlife in the city, Campo Santa Margherita. It’s two big piazze (squares) connected diagonally where there are a half dozen (if that many) pubs with outside terraces if the weather’s agreeable.

Pull up a chair and order a Ramazzotti or Sambuca as an after dinner Disgestivo or stick to wine if you don’t like to mix. It’s mostly a local student hangout but you’ll usually find a few clever, adventurous and cultured tourists such as yourself there. Strike up a conversation. Go ahead, don’t be shy. It’s Italy after all, the land of “amore”. In my case, I chose two Dutch girls (in my opinion some of the most genuinely friendly and easygoing people on the planet). You can naturally pick the sex and nationality you’d like.

Have great conversation. Swap travel stories, swap cultural insights, swap spouses (wait, that might be a bit TOO Dutch for some). After, a few more drinks invite them to the only (and I mean only) disco in Venice proper. It’s easy to find, just follow the winding streets. Trust me, it’s in there somewhere but be careful it’s easy to miss as it’s the about the size of your first dorm room in college. Dance! Drink some more. (what the hell, you’re walking back to your hotel anyway!) Try and make a move on one of your new Dutch friends (the better looking one preferably).

Check out the people. Hey, is that guy wearing a white leisure suit? Venice is really “old school” on many levels. Now for the “piece de la resistance”….

It’s 4AM thereabouts. Say goodbye to your new Dutch friends. You didn’t really think you’d go home with both of them? They’re not THAT cool.

Now walk! Walk back to your hotel, slowly. Listen! No, I mean listen! That’s right, you’ll hear nothing but the sounds of nature. Birds, wind, insects. Nothing else. No cars, no electric motors. No other people, tourists or locals. They’re all sober and in bed. The only reminders that you are not back in the 13th Century are the electric street lamps and your Nike tennis shoes you’re wearing.

Look around. History is everywhere. You are the Doge. This is your domain! The Ottoman fleet has been defeated at Lepanto and Venice is the ruler of the entire Mediterranean. You have stepped into the closest thing you will ever get to a time machine. You can feel them. They are everywhere. The souls of the millions who lived here over the centuries. They are all right there with you, alone. Walking you over the footbridge, around the next dimly lit corner and winding alley and into the night.

(I've been "re-born" so many times I think I'm developing stretch marks on my face!)

The Wild, Wild East

My first introduction and entry into the heart of the former Evil Red Empire was to be Odessa, Ukraine. A port city of 1.5 million situated on the warm Black Sea known for its importance in trade, oil refining, capital of Russian humor and large percentage of HIV infection (10%) with no apparent correlation in these characteristics. More on it’s history here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Odessa

A view of the Odessa Port from the very high “Mother-in-Law” Bridge (translated from the Russian) where apparently many of these ladies met their demise.

Besides wanting to see for myself the land of my former archenemy my primary goal was to continue my research on Russian/Ukrainian women seeking men from the west. As a self-proclaimed Western man I had lined up a few meetings with locals.

One such here:

Meet Evgenia, an extremely intelligent, pleasant and funny woman (from the City of Russian Humor after all) hanging out with Alekandr Pushkin, the Russian version of Dante, Yeats and Shakespeare all rolled into one. This Russian legend also had a penchant for the ladies especially the married ones and was killed at age 37 in a duel after messing with the wife of a French Officer. More on his interesting life and his impact on Russian literature here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aleksandr_Pushkin


Enter the Ukraine…..

The first thing an outsider will notice is the inconsistency of the state of repair of the city compared to others such as Warsaw, Budapest and Prague. In those cities, the Old Town has been completely rebuilt as at least a small oasis in the middle of a communist concrete block sea that surrounds it. Not so in Odessa, as every other building in the center is anywhere from a completely crumbling block of flats to a brand spanking new three story shopping mall offering the latest designers (oh, and at a very western price). More oddly, these structures could be right next to each other. The only street in complete renovated condition is the main street Deribasovskaya named after the Spanish Major General José de Ribas (don’t ask me how they translated that) who helped the Russians liberate the city from the Turks in 1789.

The brand new Athens shopping center where Urainian youth like to go and loiter and look cool like their American counterparts with the only difference being no teenager from the Ukraine can actually afford anything inside.

Evgenia recounted the story of this functioning bank that just one day collasped and you can see on the right side of the photo with the workers inside repairing.




A block of flats. Not too bad, just needs a little TLC. Prices are still amazingly cheap for real estate even in the center. I saw a luxurious (inside) 4 bedroom flat, almost 2000sqft with 20-foot ceilings for $30,000. Evgenia gasped, “How ridiculous, I could never afford that my whole life.” Remember, the average professional office worker brings home about $200 a month.









Like many places in the world, American style capitalism is taking hold. The only difference is how the shops are laid out. I walked into a tiny office supply store and there were seven people working there with about three customers and a security guard. Every place including corner shops has a security guard. I don’t know if it’s a social work program or a genuine anti-theft need. I entered a corner shop with a bottled water I had 80% finished. As I was attempting to exit this frustrated KGB wannabe flunky tried to stop me and accuse me of stealing this water that costs 5 cents. After determining that he spoke no English or European language other than Russian and he didn’t understand my arm waving and pantomime explaining I had brought the bottle in, I just opened my wallet and showed him about 6 months of his annual wage (in retrospect not a bright idea) shrugged my shoulders, said “Do svadanya” and walked out.

The Ukrainian version of Justice. Notice the lack of the blindfold pointing out the noticeable fact that here Justice sees EXACTLY what she wants to see.

Of course, when the sun goes down the Odessa night heats up. As usual there are a wide selection of adult activities to choose from.

Here is one of the many Strip Clubs in the city. It’s name here in Russian is “Manhattan” and like being in the Big Apple money will flow from your pocket very quickly. Needless to say I didn’t stick around too long. Just long enough to get a flavor of the local beauty and a few good Russian vodka tonics while I spent the local equivalent of over a half-month’s salary in 90 minutes!


Next, was on to a disco named “Palladium” and for my first night in the city it did not disappoint. After about literally five minutes and half a vodka/Red Bull later I met Irina. Almost all women here dress up to the point where one can question their “angle” but this one happened to be a University math teacher and seemed to like me despite the language barrier. Must have been my dancing skills………..




On to the next night and different Disco named “Yo”. And yes, Vanilla Ice still performs here. Here I met some more friendly locals. One a woman from Moldova, definitely of questionable repute and a Turk that kept buying us Tequila Bombs until I had to cry “Amca” (Uncle in Turkish).

For more nightlife tips: http://www.ukraine-accommodation.com/ukraine/odessa/night_clubs/

Some sightseeing pics of the town and there was quite a bit to see. Though at times while wandering I felt like I was part of one of the many packs of wild dogs that would freely roam the street.

Some locals enjoying the day in the main square. No, the big white thing is not a wild dog.

On Saturday, one of about a dozen weddings I saw coming out of the government registration office. Since Communism completely oppressed religion most ceremonies are civil and occur outside buildings such as these. Orthodox Catholicism is making a comeback I’m told but only as a fad.

Some of the paradox of decay and poverty mixed with the wealth that only western money can buy.

The courtyard outside the flat I rented (mangy junkyard dog included at no extra charge)




And the very plush livable interior of my rental flat at an affordable $65 per night, which is the average rent of a normal flat for a WHOLE month.

Not all the outside scenery was bleak and unattractive. Here is Viktoria whom I arranged a meeting with only days before my visit. While we had a nice long talk over drinks we did not meet again due to time as it was explained to me using an old Russian saying that my sudden arrival was like “Snow falling down on one’s shoulders” (not to be confused with the other always embarassing "snow" flakes on one's shoulders). Notice the American flag on the table……Hmm, could this be a sign of a tourist trap?

Also, the precious little Ukrainian waitress at one of the most expensive restaurants in Odessa. Even though places like these are frequented by almost exclusively foreigners and rich Russians the help rarely speaks much English which was evidenced by her quizzical look when I asked her if it was ok to smuggle her back to Germany in my luggage.

Well, I hope you all enjoyed this somewhat lengthy journey with me. I apoligize if I seemed overly focused on the monetary aspect of things but life is so completely different there due to the economics I wanted to present it in terms we all can understand. Bottom line, pull out your wallet and kiss ol’ Uncle George on his balding head for giving you the life you have in the States.

And finally:

At the Duty Free shop in Vienna on the way home. Hmm, it seems while I was there I picked up the Ukrainian tradition of drinking straight out of a bottle in public during the middle of the day and not working.

See ya around on the planet!