Crazy Little Thing Called Love
Something happened to me a few days ago that was disturbing in the sense that it threatens to shatter a dearly held set of beliefs about women and relationships. It was so disturbing (because it just might be true) I thought I’d put it out to the Cyber Universe (or at least that small Cyber Martian colony that might read me) to elicit their reaction. I’m particularly interested in comments from the fairer sex since I apparently understand little about them.
It all began harmlessly enough with one of those “fun” online quizzes on “How successful are you with dating women?” As I began to read the questions and answer I thought, “Wow, this a piece of cake. How easy!” When I received my results I scored a 56 out of 100 and the narrative basically said that I was doomed to a life of seducing blow up dolls and the only way I would ever meet a good looking woman is if the Ben Franklin twins went up and did my approach work for me.
Of course, I know this is not the case. I have plenty of dates and some of them are even quite attractive. What disturbed me to no end is when I actually started thinking (and realizing) that while I do have many dates and relationships, in the end the ones I really, really like end up indifferent towards me. They don’t hate me, get mad at me or even really break up with me most of the time they just stop being engaged, interested, reciprocating. Sure there was passion at the beginning but then when I finally quit playing around and decide ok, I’ll get focused this might be “the one”. Poof, another Ghost! (By contrast, the ones which I never focus on and truthfully are not that concerned with are eternally interested and continue to follow me around like some Pied Piper of Hamlin playing his flute of futility.)
Yes, I didn’t just fall of the watermelon wagon. I’ve heard the tired lament, “The one’s you like never like you and vice versa.” Yes, but why? Doesn’t every single woman you ever talk to (guys back me up here) always say, “I wish I could find a nice guy who will communicate and share and treat me well.” I’m beginning to think that there is as much truth to this statement as the stockpiles of WMDs in Iraq just waiting to be discovered. Be honest with me ladies, is that what you REALLY want?
I asked my shrink about this since I seem to always fall for the emotionally unavailable women after they fall for me first, and he gave me two plausible responses.
#1- When a person with a fear of abandonment picks a person with a fear of engulfment (read: emotional commitment) and the “engulfed” starts to pull away, the other fearing the impending departure tries harder. This, in turn, begins the vicious cycle all over again with the former finally driving away the latter for good. Sure the woman liked all the attention at the beginning but when the proverbial kitchen (or is the outhouse?) got too hot to handle (read: “hey, this guy might actually like me and I just might have to surrender a small part of myself in return”)then… “oh wow, hey, look at the time. Gots to go!”
#2- His second comment ties into my point about this Internet Quiz which is why I’m becoming somewhat concerned that I’ve been going about this all wrong and just might be a 56 out of 100 after all. He said every relationship between two people (especially intimate ones) contains a struggle for power. It’s often very subtle but that element is always there. Now I want to share the comments from this website that have further increased my panic and may be the final call to lead me over to the Dark Side. (A full explanation of this guys theory, and the crap e-book he’s hawking can all be found at http://www.doubleyourdating.com . Guys, I encourage you to take the test at http://www.doubleyourdating.com/m/10581/meet_women_test/index.asp and let me know your thoughts/results as well.)
Excerpt from the “Power/Bad Boy” theory website:
(WHY THE COCKY AND FUNNY ATTITUDE IS ATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN... AND HOW TO USE IT
I get a lot of email from guys who don't quite get the Cocky + Funny attitude. It just doesn't make sense to some guys that teasing women, busting their balls, being slightly arrogant, not kissing up to them, etc. could or should make them feel attraction. I can understand this, because I was exactly the same way the first few times I heard it and saw it. I kept thinking to myself, "If I do this cocky and funny thing, I'm only going to come across as arrogant... and that can't make women like me more."
Well, was I ever wrong. You must always remember that ATTRACTION isn't logical. It doesn't follow the rules that it"should" follow. ATTRACTION is a very powerful emotion that has reasons and triggers that don't make any sense at first glance... I'm sure you've seen many attractive women with guys who mistreated them, abused them, and were exactly the opposite of what you'd expect a woman to accept. Why? ATTRACTION.
In the beginning she felt attraction, and as bad as it may sound, almost no amount of being "bad", abusive, or jerk-ish canconvince a woman feeling a strong attraction to leave. So let me take the opportunity to talk a bit about the Cocky + Funny attitude, why it works, and how to use it to attract women (without having to be an abusive jerk). First of all, you have to remember that the formula is Cocky PLUS Funny. Always both. If you act too cocky, you'll come off as arrogant and insecure only. If you're just funny, always telling jokes, and making people laugh, you will probably come acrossas "too goofy." But if you use BOTH together, you will createmagic. Cocky + Funny is like sparring... it's sport... it's fun... it's challenging... it's interesting when used with skill.
So let's get clear about what "Cocky + Funny" is. Here's a cocky statement: "Her dress makes her look fat." Here's a Cocky + Funny statement: "If she doesn't find a dress that fits better, the fashion police are going to send in the SWAT team for her ass." Get it? Start with arrogance, then add humor. So why does it work to attract women? Well, the short answer is: COCKY AND FUNNY ATTRACTS WOMEN BECAUSE IT QUICKLY AND DIRECTLY SAYS ALL THE RIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOU.
Women are attracted to "alpha male" types - We all know that. Women are attracted to a sense of humor. We all know that one too. Women AREN'T attracted to men who give away their power, kiss up to them, smother them with attention, act like whipped puppies, and get nervous just being in the same room with them. If you meet an attractive woman, and IMMEDIATELY start giving her a hard time about something, busting on her, and have fun, it basically says: "You are interesting enough to talk to, but you're going to have to do a lot more than just look good to impress me. Your beauty doesn't make me nervous in the slightest, I'm perfectly calm, and in fact, I'm so comfortable that I just noticed something about you that I'm going to make fun of..." There is no faster way on earth to communicateall the right attitudes, beliefs, self-image, comfort, confidence, and power than to be Cocky +Funny.)
OK, my initial thought was that this might be purely a sales gimmick, which it most certainly is. But, what if there’s more to this? Does it mean that nice guys really do finish last? Women really don’t want to have the glass slipper put on their foot by Prince Charming?. Will I always have to play this game of being “disinterested” and a bit cruel to the ones I’m truly interested in just so they’ll maintain their interest? Can I not say plainly my deepest emotions without coming across as weak and a wuss when the moment is appropriate? Sure, I can do the "funny" part but the "cocky" part seems so well, annoying.
It would not be all that disturbing if I weren’t going through this exact situation at the very moment I’m typing (and just went through it in my last two year relationship where I was told, “Jason, you're a nice guy and probably too good for me.”) But, that’s for another time…….
(Will this be the next girl to say, “Gee Jason, thanks for sharing. You’re such a great guy! How fast again did you say this thing will do 0-60 in? I think I'm late for a hair appointment in Minsk. Sure, I’ll call you.”)
It all began harmlessly enough with one of those “fun” online quizzes on “How successful are you with dating women?” As I began to read the questions and answer I thought, “Wow, this a piece of cake. How easy!” When I received my results I scored a 56 out of 100 and the narrative basically said that I was doomed to a life of seducing blow up dolls and the only way I would ever meet a good looking woman is if the Ben Franklin twins went up and did my approach work for me.
Of course, I know this is not the case. I have plenty of dates and some of them are even quite attractive. What disturbed me to no end is when I actually started thinking (and realizing) that while I do have many dates and relationships, in the end the ones I really, really like end up indifferent towards me. They don’t hate me, get mad at me or even really break up with me most of the time they just stop being engaged, interested, reciprocating. Sure there was passion at the beginning but then when I finally quit playing around and decide ok, I’ll get focused this might be “the one”. Poof, another Ghost! (By contrast, the ones which I never focus on and truthfully are not that concerned with are eternally interested and continue to follow me around like some Pied Piper of Hamlin playing his flute of futility.)
Yes, I didn’t just fall of the watermelon wagon. I’ve heard the tired lament, “The one’s you like never like you and vice versa.” Yes, but why? Doesn’t every single woman you ever talk to (guys back me up here) always say, “I wish I could find a nice guy who will communicate and share and treat me well.” I’m beginning to think that there is as much truth to this statement as the stockpiles of WMDs in Iraq just waiting to be discovered. Be honest with me ladies, is that what you REALLY want?
I asked my shrink about this since I seem to always fall for the emotionally unavailable women after they fall for me first, and he gave me two plausible responses.
#1- When a person with a fear of abandonment picks a person with a fear of engulfment (read: emotional commitment) and the “engulfed” starts to pull away, the other fearing the impending departure tries harder. This, in turn, begins the vicious cycle all over again with the former finally driving away the latter for good. Sure the woman liked all the attention at the beginning but when the proverbial kitchen (or is the outhouse?) got too hot to handle (read: “hey, this guy might actually like me and I just might have to surrender a small part of myself in return”)then… “oh wow, hey, look at the time. Gots to go!”
#2- His second comment ties into my point about this Internet Quiz which is why I’m becoming somewhat concerned that I’ve been going about this all wrong and just might be a 56 out of 100 after all. He said every relationship between two people (especially intimate ones) contains a struggle for power. It’s often very subtle but that element is always there. Now I want to share the comments from this website that have further increased my panic and may be the final call to lead me over to the Dark Side. (A full explanation of this guys theory, and the crap e-book he’s hawking can all be found at http://www.doubleyourdating.com . Guys, I encourage you to take the test at http://www.doubleyourdating.com/m/10581/meet_women_test/index.asp and let me know your thoughts/results as well.)
Excerpt from the “Power/Bad Boy” theory website:
(WHY THE COCKY AND FUNNY ATTITUDE IS ATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN... AND HOW TO USE IT
I get a lot of email from guys who don't quite get the Cocky + Funny attitude. It just doesn't make sense to some guys that teasing women, busting their balls, being slightly arrogant, not kissing up to them, etc. could or should make them feel attraction. I can understand this, because I was exactly the same way the first few times I heard it and saw it. I kept thinking to myself, "If I do this cocky and funny thing, I'm only going to come across as arrogant... and that can't make women like me more."
Well, was I ever wrong. You must always remember that ATTRACTION isn't logical. It doesn't follow the rules that it"should" follow. ATTRACTION is a very powerful emotion that has reasons and triggers that don't make any sense at first glance... I'm sure you've seen many attractive women with guys who mistreated them, abused them, and were exactly the opposite of what you'd expect a woman to accept. Why? ATTRACTION.
In the beginning she felt attraction, and as bad as it may sound, almost no amount of being "bad", abusive, or jerk-ish canconvince a woman feeling a strong attraction to leave. So let me take the opportunity to talk a bit about the Cocky + Funny attitude, why it works, and how to use it to attract women (without having to be an abusive jerk). First of all, you have to remember that the formula is Cocky PLUS Funny. Always both. If you act too cocky, you'll come off as arrogant and insecure only. If you're just funny, always telling jokes, and making people laugh, you will probably come acrossas "too goofy." But if you use BOTH together, you will createmagic. Cocky + Funny is like sparring... it's sport... it's fun... it's challenging... it's interesting when used with skill.
So let's get clear about what "Cocky + Funny" is. Here's a cocky statement: "Her dress makes her look fat." Here's a Cocky + Funny statement: "If she doesn't find a dress that fits better, the fashion police are going to send in the SWAT team for her ass." Get it? Start with arrogance, then add humor. So why does it work to attract women? Well, the short answer is: COCKY AND FUNNY ATTRACTS WOMEN BECAUSE IT QUICKLY AND DIRECTLY SAYS ALL THE RIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOU.
Women are attracted to "alpha male" types - We all know that. Women are attracted to a sense of humor. We all know that one too. Women AREN'T attracted to men who give away their power, kiss up to them, smother them with attention, act like whipped puppies, and get nervous just being in the same room with them. If you meet an attractive woman, and IMMEDIATELY start giving her a hard time about something, busting on her, and have fun, it basically says: "You are interesting enough to talk to, but you're going to have to do a lot more than just look good to impress me. Your beauty doesn't make me nervous in the slightest, I'm perfectly calm, and in fact, I'm so comfortable that I just noticed something about you that I'm going to make fun of..." There is no faster way on earth to communicateall the right attitudes, beliefs, self-image, comfort, confidence, and power than to be Cocky +Funny.)
OK, my initial thought was that this might be purely a sales gimmick, which it most certainly is. But, what if there’s more to this? Does it mean that nice guys really do finish last? Women really don’t want to have the glass slipper put on their foot by Prince Charming?. Will I always have to play this game of being “disinterested” and a bit cruel to the ones I’m truly interested in just so they’ll maintain their interest? Can I not say plainly my deepest emotions without coming across as weak and a wuss when the moment is appropriate? Sure, I can do the "funny" part but the "cocky" part seems so well, annoying.
It would not be all that disturbing if I weren’t going through this exact situation at the very moment I’m typing (and just went through it in my last two year relationship where I was told, “Jason, you're a nice guy and probably too good for me.”) But, that’s for another time…….
(Will this be the next girl to say, “Gee Jason, thanks for sharing. You’re such a great guy! How fast again did you say this thing will do 0-60 in? I think I'm late for a hair appointment in Minsk. Sure, I’ll call you.”)
posted by EuroSnob | 7:48 AM
10 Comments:
Jason,
Are you interested infeedback from a 60 year old woman who's been happily married for 40 years and is still in love with her husband?
Always open to anything anyone has to say. Lay the science on me.....
Jason,
First, a question:
You didn't once, in all this lengthy post mention Marriage. Yes, with a capital "M". Do you really want a permanent relationship and your own family? Or just long-term, live-in sex?
It just occurred to me, with considerable amusement, that I should probably reassure you that I am not one of your ex- or wannabe ladyfriends. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area (in Pleasant Hill, where it is now 5:28 a.m., I have sporadic insomnia). I am happily married and have two children: a daughter 40 and a son 38. I am a university graduate and a retired MIS manager (burnout, actually). My hobbies are cooking, marbling silk ties, collecting conspiracy theories, and the amateur analysis of romance novelists (who are mostly as clueless as ... well). I'm a lousy housekeeper. I went to a shrink for a while, but he threw me out for getting pissy with him. LOL.
Thanks for the post. I have my issues but actually commitment isn’t one of them. I been married twice and I stuck around ‘til the bitter end. I made my share of mistakes in those relationships but I didn’t flee and I did what I was capable of at the time to make them work. Believe me, I would love nothing more than “long-term, live-in sex” within the confines of matrimony though I think that might be a “Holy Grail” as well.
However, my point is actually this. If one is really an attentive, sensitive, giving male (everything women claim they want) do most women have the capacity to appreciate it over the long term or will they become bored and more attracted to the mysterious, slightly dangerous, guy that’s actually not good for them. (which they may also realize but “can’t help themselves” from the attraction?) I'm not talking about married people and infidelity, I'm talking about the initial dating process that gets one to that point.
J-dub,
Justed wanted to say hello and really enjoy your readings.
-Karl aka "Ultimate Wingman"
Well, I won't insult you by giving advice. I will, however, make a few observations from my point of view--which I'll admit may not be typical.
1. Some girls may want cocky, but the WOMEN I know want self-confidence and maturity. And, believe me, they are not the same thing. Cocky is immature, a boy's hey-look-at-me game and ultimately a huge turnoff. A man's quiet self-confidence is far more attractive and alluring. Poise and assurance. With, perhaps, a bit of reserve and mystery thrown in. Think James Bond (without the violence) rather than Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson (both pathetic!), and you'll have the gist of it. My husband was/is a very reserved person. After 40 years, I still don't know all his thoughts, and that's fine, because he doesn't know all of mine, either. I don't WANT or need to know all his thoughts. How tedious. Actions speak louder than words, and he is in every way a gentleman.
2. A sense of humor is absolutely crucial--but what kind of humor? NOT put-down humor or sarcasm. Wit, sir, and kindness! Inclusive humor, not competitive humor. In other words, share the joke with the lady, don't make her the butt of it. Actually, I'm the witty one in my family, but my husband appreciates my brand of humor and has from day one. I never make fun of anyone, and he still finds me entertaining. (It doesn't hurt that I'm a gourmet cook, either. His expertise extends to balogna sandwiches.)
3. Sexy may be at the top of most men's lists for compatability, but I can almost guarantee it isn't on hers, if she's the committing type. Oh, it's important, but it's not the most important. Besides, instant sexual attraction owes a great deal to pheromones and eye spacing, I believe. NOT good tests for compatability. They can't carry the load for long term relationships. (The closest I'll get to science, I'm afraid.) The women I know who chose on the basis of sexual attraction alone aren't very mature and weren't good for the long haul. They tended to have unrealistic expectations. Of all the successful relationships I know, the one factor that leaps out at me is shared values, and especially a shared view of what a relationship entails. And, frankly, that's what most committing women are looking for. Not very romantic, but there you are. It doesn't PRECLUDE romance, does it? I can testify it doesn't.
4. Women want to be respected and treated with respect, dating or married. Men should expect the same in return, of course. Women who want to abuse or be abused, physically or verbally, are idiots. (I suppose there is the S&M crowd, of course, but that's a different problem.)
5. Women want to be treated as if they're desireable. Always. Even after 40 years of marriage. Even in the morning, when they're suffering from terminal bedhead.
6. I think sensitivity is overrated. (God, it makes me think of Woody Allen, and who on earth would want to be married to him? Motor-mouth neuroses. He's funny, but Gah!) My husband doesn't have a sensitive bone in his body. He relies on good manners and manly/stoic silence (he hasn't a clue what to say) to get him through our rough spots, and it mostly works.
I might add that my husband took a bad fall 15 years ago and broke his back, with all that implies. I still love him madly.
All of that implies some sort of game playing or manipulation. The truth is, you are funny and you are arrogant. Just keep being you and they will come a runnin. The trick is that when your heart tells you to be all soft and mushy and you begin listening to the advice that seeps out of Cosmo about "Why men won't commit" you have to use it sparingly, like oregano. Know when to use it. Don't use too much, or it will ruin the whole thing.
You know as well as anyone, I was the original, sensitive, puppy looking out for their emotional needs. As soon as I tapped into my inner only-child and acted like I could take them or leave them, they came a runnin.
I think it is a sad state for women that they no so little about themselves that they insist they want a sensitive, open committed caring man, while at the same time dating the asshole. It is indeed a fine line.
Great Comments Tovan, thanks! Those were to the point and make sense to me. I've also realized that my own selection "filter" may be out of wack and need adjustment. (Your comment on shared values applies here)
Grego, thanks for the words! I know our emotional "makeup" is similar and knew you would understand. 95% of the time I do just fine but when a certain one I deem "special" hits the radar, I turn into sniveling, emotional "servant" boy and start trying to cater to all her needs. The irony of love perhaps? Back to the couch...
Post a Comment
<< Home